UPDATERY UPDATE: Schik has saved the everything. Rejoice!
UPDATE:
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× Udderdude deleted a post in this thread, and somehow it's cut off most of the replies. Until admin somehow fix it, just accept there is this unending spree of merriment and joy.
At some point he calls me a 'sad troll with nothing better to do', and a bunch of people point out that I'm still /right/.
At the very end of the thread I point out he's said /himself/ we can say whatever we like about his games, and I think that's what spurred his DELETE EVERYTHING rush.
Sup, future.
Okay this is going to be one of those live blogging type experiences, except I'm not setting up a twitter for this business because I'm too web 1.5 or whatever
Basically what it boils down to you for those of us just joining FROM THE FUTURE is some guy from
ToastSoft made this grandiose thread about all of these immense problems with DROD I guess?
and I guess he is of the opinion that I should need to back my statements up with facts or something
I mean I know he's new, that's sometimes a thing you people do when you are new to how I roll but I AM AN INFINITELY GENEROUS HUMAN BEING so here i am exerting effort in order to ensure that I am completely right in every way as per usual
without any more of that ado:
XOP ULTRA BUNDLE DEMOClick here to view the secret text
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okay just booted it up
BANJ CENTER CX
KACHO ON
apparently in 200X AD many catastropies(sic) were happening, and i guess they involve bunnygirls or something but I've had to watch three times now because the intro goes away so fast
HOWEVER I am going to 'defeat XOP and save the everything' now. I am in shock by the quality writing, but I am going to assume that this is intentionally campy
okay i need a drink give me one sec
edit: okay water acquired let's just do this
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× going through the options menu here, the intent here is to make a wannabe retro terrible shooter, so if this game is IRONICALLY terrible I am going to forgive it this adorably clunky cursor--seriously it is actually suddenly getting choppy every time I mouse near an option in the options menu this is amazing, I really hope it does this in the game
PS it has a scanlines option, I'm turning that off because I don't hate my eyes I HOPE I DON'T RUIN THE EXPERIENCE
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× okay so the cursor just vanished and the game's asking me how fast I want my ship to be so i thi
GO FASTokay
so now that I chose my options in the option menu, it's asking me to choose them all now that I've started the game, I'm just gonna pick this, uh.. MANIAC because I am a maniac all up in this floor, medium difficulty, gimme a sec and I'll try a few rounds
Results of Round 1:
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× okay so first attempt to SAVE THE EVERYTHING from these giant alien ovaries and transparent birds was stymied by the fact hitting escape is full of lies. Hitting escape twice exits you out of the game, despite it saying you need to hit Y or ???? This game deserves and needs screenshots so I'm going to do it through steam so you get the idea of what kind of man is baffled at DROD's art
On Screenshots:
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×So this thing won't work with the Steam Overlay, so I've had to use Gyazo to pull screenshots of it. The bad news is this is gonna make action shots hard. The good news is: None of you are going to have to see any action shots.
In which we try to bring back the days of Zero Wing
Wait. What am I even posting here.
...just like one of my japanese animes
this is a gold mine and we haven't even started the game yet
I'm gonna turn the explosions up to 'ludicrous' because it's wrong of me not to judge this game at its best artistic merit.
And I guess okay, vertical scanlines, because..that's a thing that has ever existed, sure, let's do this. Editing again after another round
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× guys I can't do this, I am scooping up semi-transparent blue coins that don't seem to do anything and the art style is so
flawlessly consistant this game is too good for a philistine like me. I'm settling at this
classy high score I just got
MOVING RIGHT ALONG it turns out that I'm playing the INFERIOR VERSION, so let's move on to XOP Black, and see if Udderdude has figured out that in a game where there's no reason to ever stop shooting, you should put in an autofire command
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×OK this seems to be a war between fairies and demons, also wow okay the weird choppy mouse bug continues to exist, my 4.50 is just floating out of my pocket for this thing right now. WHERE IS MY BUNNYGIRL UDDERDUDE
I ONLY KNEW HER FOR SUCH A SHORT TIME
and i miss her
So, since we're all hardcore and modern gamers here, we know games shouldn't 'pause' or 'stop' just because the application has lost focus. WE ARE TOO COOL FOR THAT
this was a result for 'so cool' on google images i assume we are
AT LEAST THIS COOL
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×on the other hand, I went to pick this 'cancel' mode this round, and what it does is apparently, if you kill an enemy, all of its shots turn into the weird semi-transparent coins that are good only for points
because we're MAGIC SHIPS
FIGHTING
MAGIC FLESHY BUTTERFLIES
AND IT IS
ALL SO BEAUTIFUL
with these
SICK PARTICLE EFFECTS
anyway it's pretty clear I can't properly appreciate the genius of this game so we're moving on to the next one, hopefully my brittle mind will be able to handle it.
MARBLEICIOUS
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×
okay so the level editor of
MARBELICUOUS is only available on the full version, this man is too foxy for me
this production has too many QUALITIES and VALUES
And here are the rules.
for those of you like me, too lazy to click: You control simon. You can move Simon by clicking the mouse. Simon will move NEAR where you've clicked. Not where you've clicked, of course, that's crazy.
The game board is filled with marbles, which is good, because I don't feel like getting ripped off again. I didn't see any delicious bunnygirl in XOP despite it being in the intro, so I better see some marbles in this game, Udderdude!
...also, when a marble is moving, it can pass through Simon. WHICH IS GOOD, because I hate it when immobile things pass through me.
How can Caravel hope to compete with graphic and UI quality like
this?
also, that 'mouse gets choppy if I dare mouse over something important' bug is back. Which is good, because I need to be SURE Udderdude made this game.
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× oh oh my god
this game has no keyboard controls, it's mouse only, and it has that choppy thing
I AM GOING TO SOLDIER THROUGH THIS DEMO
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×so i'm on level two and I've learned that you can't just hold the mouse button down to move Simon the marble-loving cloud alien in a skirt where you want to go, no, you have to keep clicking.
also wow the mouse stutter every time I move my mouse over, say, a marble, which I might want to click on because they're so MARLBICUOUS
they've just introduced this new element in level 3 where i can place spare marbles I guess
you know, I assumed Click to Move would make DROD feel too flowy, like, too loose. MAURBLIECOUS has taught me that click to move can feel rugged, like I'm really moving an alien over...uh...what I desperately hope is supposed to be a marble floor, because I have to keep clicking and
guys can I stop at level 10, would you be mad at me
LEVEL SIX
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×oh my god he's introduced...arrows? which I need to shoot at viruses
why are there viruses in my marbles, this is incredibly unsanitary
am I ever going to see the spare marbles element that was just introduced and then abandoned like a small limbless child awash in a sea of counterfeit prosthetic limbs?
alright i have just discovered
SPO
ilerClick here to view the secret text
×BOMB MARBLES
it's specified that Simon here needs to be standing near a bomb marble to use it. Basically, puzzles that introduce an element through puzzles that teach you how to use them are for suckers. Also, I still want to know about Simon's mysterious cloud-based telekinesis???
on a side note
doesn't this guy have the saddest expression I mean it's like he doesn't WANT to be in this game. BE FREE SIMON
BE FREE
actually okay you look kind of creepy like that let me just
okay artist's rendition of SIMON'S TRUE FEELINGS
update: okay I tried level 9 twice but I guess I made a mistake and restoring is too much work SO WE ARE MOVING ON hope you enjoyed MARBLICIOUS
oh
oh my god I can't just click the X on the program to close it also the nag screen is saying 'we hope you enjoyed'
did two people work on this
DID TWO PEOPLE SIMULTANEOUSLY LOOK AT THIS GAME AND THINK IT WAS GOOD ENOUGH TO COST MONEY
×
haven't even opened it yet, predicting death balls
our art team has shrank to one guy, and one guy /editing/ it, my confidence is low....
we've upgraded from death balls to doom balls
And remember that time he complained that R was too close to Q and W
well you see, I
anyway it's a puzzle(?) game about 'grabbing all the objects and heading to the exit', except it combines terrible platforming and an exceedingly awkward gravity physics system that literally exists solely to make it hard to shoot enemies. With your limited shots.
guys I can't make fun of this anymore, it's...like, it's like kicking a puppy made out of miniature kittens, we're moving on!
×Okay, we're back up to five artists. It looks like Chris has called in his brother to help with level design. BlackbirdHM is a level 9999 playtester, so obviously the QA on this game must be flawles--
dialation
i accept that the plot will make precisely zero sense--fine, that's this guy's thing, but
this, right here apparently took five of these guys. Five. And that's that futuristic-looking block again
I'm seriously losing the energy to go through all of these things, and this game seems to suffer from some sort of elaborate tooltip hell where if you mouse over anything your entire screenf ills with details of literally everything.
I can't describe how many tooltips come up just on the first level, I defy you to try this game and see.
CYBERTREE.
UPDATE: one of the things in that screenshot is taken from some public domain Tyrian game art.
