MeckMeck GRE
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We all know a lot of jokes. From ourselfes, friends, books.....

If you like : Post the best and the worst joke you ever heared/read/made up. (Please dont post dumb porn/rassist jokes... all other kinds of jokes welcome !)

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[Last edited by mrimer at 11-02-2006 09:54 PM]

gamer_extreme_101
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There was a theft of a toilet at the police station today. Cops have nothing to go on. More at 11.

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--That guy with a million different aliases since he doesn't like this name anymore.

stigant
Level: Smitemaster

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"The following film has been modified from its original form. It has been edited for content and to run in the time allowed, and has been formatted to fit your television"

"How do they know how big my television is?"

Makes my wife groan everytime we watch a movie on tv.

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TripleM
Level: Smitemaster
Rank Points: 1373
Registered: 02-05-2003
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gamer_extreme_101 wrote:
There was a theft of a toilet at the police station today. Cops have nothing to go on. More at 11.

On a similar note:

Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

Rabscuttle
Level: Smitemaster

Rank Points: 2460
Registered: 09-10-2004
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A bit risque (and possibly requires region-specific knowledge)

Once upon a time there was a man who loved the colour red - everything he owned had to be red. He's got a red car, a red brick house, a red lounge suite - everything. Anyway, one day he's having a shower in his red-tiled bathroom when there's a knock on his red door. He turns off the shower, grabs a red towel from the red towel rack and goes to answer the door. Outside is a drop-dead gorgeous woman with firey red hair. Befuddled by her looks, he tries to impress her in a slightly non-conventional manner by whipping open his towel so she can see him in all his glory. Finding this overly direct overture somewhat alarming, she screams and runs down the red path and onto the road where she gets hit by a passing truck.

And the moral of the story is: Don't cross the road when the red man is flashing.

ErikH2000
Level: Legendary Smitemaster

Rank Points: 2794
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I really didn't feel good about the Jewish joke, secret tags or not, so it got axed. Let's just stay off of any jokes that depend on a certain race, religion, or handicap being present in them. My Dad used to make Hittite jokes, because there aren't any Hittites around any more to take offense. So you can say, "A Hittite walks into a bar," and if the joke doesn't work with Hittites, but only Asians, Poles, Australians or whatever, then that is a good warning you're about to say something hurtful.

Not wanting to be a killjoy. Carry on in good style, my friends!

-Erik

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The Godkiller - Chapter 1 available now on Steam. It's a DROD-like puzzle adventure game.
dev journals | twitch stream | youtube archive (NSFW)

jamie
Level: Smiter
Rank Points: 365
Registered: 04-15-2005
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Only yesterday I got a visit from some friends from school I hadn't seen in about 10 years.

When they were leaving, one said "let's make a move", so I stood up suddenly, and shook my arms.

On receiving a puzzled look, I said "I'm making a move"

The response: "I see your sense of humour is still just as bad as it was when we were in school"

I felt proud to hear that!

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#f3i2g# Disclaimer: I'm Welsh, left-handed, and stupid. #f3i2g#

stigant
Level: Smitemaster

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Ok, so two Hittites walk into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, we don't serve your kind here" so they leave. Undaunted, one of the Hittites ties himeself in a loop, musses up his hair and marches right back into the bar. Again, the bar tender says "Hey, aren't you that Hittite I just told to hit the road?" And the Hittite says, "No, I'm afraid not."

Hmmm, it just doesn't work with Hittite instead of String. I guess I'm a racist against Strings.

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[Last edited by stigant at 08-28-2005 12:13 PM]

wackhead_uk
Level: Smiter

Rank Points: 352
Registered: 06-21-2004
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One day there was a purple man. He lived in a purple house with purple chairs and a purple wife. One day he went in his purple car down to the purple corner shop and bought a purple lottery ticket, which he just heppened to win later that night. the purple man and his purple wife decided to spend the money on a dream cruise in the pacific on the biggest purple ship around. They drove down to the purple docks in their purple car and got on the purple ship, but after a few days of sailing the purple seas, the purple ship hit an iceberg. the giant purple ship sank but the purple people managed to swim to a nearby red island. And that's when they realised:

*punchline*

They were marooned.

MeckMeck GRE
Level: Smitemaster
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Nice one :

Whats the difference between democracy and socialistic DDR democracy ? Well, about the same as the difference between a chair and an electric chair.

Really bad one :

A man comes in a mill.... knirsch ! (the punchline is "in" the word mill if you dont get it)

Mikko
Level: Master Delver
Rank Points: 276
Registered: 02-04-2003
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What is brown and sticky?

mrimer
Level: Legendary Smitemaster

Rank Points: 5056
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A...um...Hittite, a Hittite and a Hittite are stranded on a desert island. The Hittite says to the...um...Hittite, "Let's see which of our countries is better."

...No, this joke isn't going to work at all

____________________________
Gandalf? Yes... That's what they used to call me.
Gandalf the Grey. That was my name.
I am Gandalf the White.
And I come back to you now at the turn of the tide.

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[Last edited by mrimer at 09-09-2005 10:34 PM]

stigant
Level: Smitemaster

Rank Points: 1182
Registered: 08-19-2004
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A mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer scientist are driving along a road and their car breaks down. The car comes to stop on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere.

The ME thinks for a bit and says "I think the problem is the engine. I'll take it apart, rebuild it, and for good measure, the tranmission and we'll be back on the road in no time." The Chem-E says, "No, no, no, its clearly a fluids problem. I'll flush the fuel-injection system, recalibrate the fuel ratio and we'll be back on the road in no time." The EE says "You're both wrong. Its obviously an electrical problem. I'll rewire the whole car and we'll be back on the road in no time."

The computer scientist is very quiet. So the other three turn to him and say "Well, what do you think the problem is?" And he says "Well, I have no idea. But why don't we get out of the car, get back into the car and see if it works?"

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AlefBet
Level: Smitemaster
Rank Points: 979
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Alternate last paragraph for the above:

The computer scientist is very quiet. So the other three turn to him and say "Well, what do you think the problem is?" And he says "Well, I have no idea. But it's obviously a hardware problem, so it's outside my responsibility."

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I was charged with conspiracy to commit jay-walking, and accessory to changing lanes without signaling after the fact .

++Adam H. Peterson

Mouse
Level: Master Delver

Rank Points: 246
Registered: 04-21-2005
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When the blind fish banged into a wall what did it say?

Damn!

Stefan
Level: Smitemaster

Rank Points: 2119
Registered: 05-25-2004
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A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his notebook and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas.

Finally, he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

"OK, why not." answered the young man.

"Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd.

"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"Easy." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know anything about my business. Now give me back my dog."

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0.099³

stigant
Level: Smitemaster

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So this guy is in a hotair-balloon and gets lost. Spots another guy in the middle of a field, so he floats down and yells out "EXCUSE ME, but could you tell me where I am?"

The second guy says "You're in a hotair balloon hovering about 100 feet over a field in the middle of nowhere"

The first guy responds "You must be an engineer"

"Why yes, I am... how did you know?" says the 2nd guy.

"Well, what you've told me is technically correct, but absolutely worthless"

"Ah, well you must be a manager."

"Why yes, I am... how did you know?"

"Because when we started talking, you didn't know where you were or where you were going. Nothing's changed, and now somehow, its MY fault"


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Doom
Level: Smitemaster

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"



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This one was rated the funniest joke ever in some test...

More about it here

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[Last edited by Doom at 09-10-2005 05:01 AM : actually, I like the longer version more.]

Maurog
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Two snowmen are standing in a field. One of the snowmen turns to the other and says "Hey...do you smell carrots?"

____________________________
Slay the living! Raise the dead!
Paint the sky in crimson red!

MeckMeck GRE
Level: Smitemaster
Rank Points: 594
Registered: 01-03-2005
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Last words :

Mechanican : Are you sure you turned off the paper press ?
Technican : What is that for a wire ?
Construction worker : This skyscraper will stand thousand years !
Chemican : Lets see what happens when I add Ceasium
Programmer : Backup ? Whats a backup ?
Bush : What does this red button do ?
Gas Station Manager / Pyrotechnican : Lets have a cigarette.
Smitemaster : Always remember : Your save when your back is against a wall...
Cliffhanger : This rope was really cheap !

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[Last edited by MeckMeck GRE at 09-10-2005 10:22 AM]

Rabscuttle
Level: Smitemaster

Rank Points: 2460
Registered: 09-10-2004
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Speaking of St. Ives (elsewhere)

Q: What's worse than 56 cats in one sack?

A: One cat in 56 sacks.

Jacob
Level: Smitemaster
Rank Points: 3746
Registered: 10-01-2004
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Or even 56 sacks in one cat.

____________________________
New to DROD? You may want to read this.
My Holds and Levels:

gamer_extreme_101
Level: Smitemaster

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Tell this one to someone you know - the whole joke should actually be told be speech.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

You get it now, don't you?

____________________________
--That guy with a million different aliases since he doesn't like this name anymore.

Doom
Level: Smitemaster

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gamer_extreme_101 wrote:
Tell this one to someone you know - the whole joke should actually be told be speech.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Click here to view the secret text

×Fsh.

You get it now, don't you?

Kingdom of Loathing...
I wonder what KoL could have to do with this joke.

MeckMeck GRE
Level: Smitemaster
Rank Points: 594
Registered: 01-03-2005
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Try it as long as you solved it






Keeps idiots busy for a while...

rowrow
Level: Smiter
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Registered: 08-17-2004
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Now I loved that one...

____________________________
B'hakhgra Du S'tra Moth'ness Ti!

Maurog
Level: Smitemaster

Rank Points: 1501
Registered: 09-16-2004
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That was too easy.

____________________________
Slay the living! Raise the dead!
Paint the sky in crimson red!

trick
Level: Legendary Smitemaster
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Registered: 04-12-2003
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Thunder rolled...


(Blatantly stolen from Discworld. Full of little gems like that.)

- Gerry

Banjooie
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Doom wrote:

gamer_extreme_101 wrote:
Tell this one to someone you know - the whole joke should actually be told be speech.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Click here to view the secret text

×Fsh.

You get it now, don't you?

Kingdom of Loathing...
I wonder what KoL could have to do with this joke.

You're a pretty sneaky guy, Doom, getting that kind reference.

stigant
Level: Smitemaster

Rank Points: 1182
Registered: 08-19-2004
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This guy walks into a bar and orders three Guinesses (Guini?). The bar tender gives him a funny look, and asks if there's anything wrong. The guy replies "Well, my two brothers just moved away, one to London, one to Sydney, and left me here in Dublin. We agreed to drink a pint of Guiness for each of the other ones each night to make sure we don't forget each other." The bartender shrugs, and fills the order. The guy becomes a regular at the bar. Each night, he comes in and orders three Guinesses, and sits by himself, drinking. Eventually, he becomes a bit of a local legend at the bar. One day, he comes in and orders only 2 Guinesses. A bit of a hush falls over the bar as the bartender reluctantly fills the drinks. The bartender sets the drinks down and says in a very reverent tone "I'm sorry for your loss. Do mind me asking which brother it was?" The guy gives the bartender a quizzical look and says "Excuse me?" The barkeep says "You only ordered two beers - Which brother passed away? The one in London, or the one in Sydney?" "Oh, no, no, no" the guy says "My brothers are fine. I just gave up drinking for Lent!"

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