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calamarain
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A hush falls over the concert hall as a man walks onto the stage and taps his baton a few times. The curtain rises, revealing a gospel choir. The orchestra starts...

(To the tune of Battle Hymn of the Republic, melody by William Steffe)

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the sword,
I have seen the walls and trapdoors and bombs hooked up with cord,
My tactics shall be peerless thus my enemies be floored
While Budkin marches on!

Glory, glory Hallelujah!
Look out or Beethro's gonna do... ya.
Glory, glory Hallelujah!
While Budkin marches on

I have seen him in the shadows of a hundred circling snakes
But he is building up a deadly trap as the well placed golem breaks
He leads the creature in to die and that's really all it takes
While Budkin marches on!

Glory, glory Hallelujah!
His sword will run itself right through... ya
Glory, glory Hallelujah!
While Budkin marches on

I have read a deadly sentence in his two foot pointed steel
He carves through endless roach attacks to cook his latest meal
He is the one, the Smitemaster before whom we should kneel
While Budkin Marches on!

Glory, glory Hallelujah!
He'll take the righteous fight right to... ya
Glory, glory Hallelujah!
While Budkin marches on

In the beauty of the dungeon, he stands there clear to see
He kills the mighty Slayer with a quick one two and three
He carves up every goblin, ne'er caring for their plea
While Budkin marches on!

Glory, glory Hallelujah!
Stand back or Beethro's gonna do... ya.
Glory, glory Hallelujah!
While Budkin marches on

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05-07-2007 at 02:55 AM
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Yellow_Mage
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*The audience claps, doing a standing ovation, crying out, "ENCORE!!! ENCORE!!!". A few roses are tossed onto the stage, following the modest bowing of the conductor and the choir.*

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05-07-2007 at 03:02 AM
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Jatopian
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Well, some scansion problems, but 8/10. That's Selection quality, you know.
calamarain wrote:
Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the sword,
Oh, don't praise your sword - that lousy hunk of metal,
I have seen the walls and trapdoors and bombs hooked up with cord,
...does this refer to fuses?
Look out or Beethro's gonna do... ya.
:unsure Uh...
He carves up every goblin, ne'er caring for their plea
Don't you mean he "butchers" them? ;)

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05-07-2007 at 03:29 AM
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calamarain
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Jatopian wrote:
Well, some scansion problems, but 8/10. That's Selection quality, you know.
Well, thanks :P Re: The scansion problems, this was written in ten idle minutes while waiting for pasta to cook (mmmm... double dose of pesto), so I wasn't focusing 100% on it.
Look out or Beethro's gonna do... ya.
:unsure Uh...
It was intended in the "hit" sense, rather than the sexual innuendo sense.
He carves up every goblin, ne'er caring for their plea
Don't you mean he "butchers" them? ;)
Butchers would scan better, actually...

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05-07-2007 at 03:34 AM
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zex20913
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I likey. More, please.

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05-07-2007 at 03:44 AM
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Jatopian
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calamarain wrote:
It was intended in the "hit" sense, rather than the sexual innuendo sense.
If you say so - I've just never heard of that sense. And neither has dictionary.com
Butchers would scan better, actually...
If you're concerned about scansion (maybe you'll submit it to the website?) I'd be happy to suggest changes.

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Make your pressure plates 3.0 style!
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05-07-2007 at 03:48 AM
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calamarain
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Jatopian wrote:
calamarain wrote:
It was intended in the "hit" sense, rather than the sexual innuendo sense.
If you say so - I've just never heard of that sense. And neither has dictionary.com
Butchers would scan better, actually...
If you're concerned about scansion (maybe you'll submit it to the website?) I'd be happy to suggest changes.

Certainly :) I'm happy to hear and incorporate them. As I said, this was a ten minute effort to fill the time while food cooked, so it wasn't proofread much. What's the procedure for submitting to the website?

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05-07-2007 at 03:52 AM
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zex20913
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The "do ya" is an abbreviated version of "do you in", which is sort of Chicagoland mobster for "murdering".

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05-07-2007 at 04:19 AM
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calamarain
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zex20913 wrote:
The "do ya" is an abbreviated version of "do you in", which is sort of Chicagoland mobster for "murdering".

Yes, that's how I intended it to be read. Obviously it could be taken as a sexual innuendo (as I realised after it was pointed out), but that's not how it was meant!

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05-07-2007 at 04:23 PM
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Briareos
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calamarain wrote:
Yes, that's how I intended it to be read. Obviously it could be taken as a sexual innuendo (as I realised after it was pointed out), but that's not how it was meant!
That's nothing that a ton of footnotes can't fix... ;)

np: Nico Purman - Resurgir (Stadtmusik (Disc 1))

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05-07-2007 at 05:00 PM
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Beef Row
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calamarain wrote:
Jatopian wrote:
Look out or Beethro's gonna do... ya.
:unsure Uh...
It was intended in the "hit" sense, rather than the sexual innuendo sense.

Unfortunately, nowadays the "hit" sense IS the sexual innuendo sense.

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[Last edited by Beef Row at 05-07-2007 08:42 PM]
05-07-2007 at 08:41 PM
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Jatopian
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Submission is by posting in this thread.
calamarain wrote:
Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the sword,
I might suggest a more impressive word than "coming", since there's nothing particularly grand about an inert sword unless it's magical, Damocles's, etc.
A very minor nitpick: The Eighth uses modern English mostly, so perhaps "my" would be better.
I have seen the walls and trapdoors and bombs hooked up with cord,
This line needs another syllable to scan properly - I suggest saying "and the bombs".
Look out or Beethro's gonna do... ya.
You seem to like this line, so I won't suggest its replacement, but I suggest for clarity making it "or Beethro in'll do... ya".
But he is building up a deadly trap as the well placed golem breaks
This line has two too many syllables - I suggest making it "He is building up a death trap"
He leads the creature in to die and that's really all it takes
If it's a "hundred circling snakes" it should probably be "creatures".
Also, this line has one syllable too many - I suggest making it "that is all".
His sword will run itself right through... ya
...I really don't care for this line, even knowing it's figurative - one mustn't praise the sword over the man wielding it, as said in the ending of Smitemastery 101.
I have read a deadly sentence in his two foot pointed steel
Two-foot? That's hardly a Really Big Sword (tm). We should probably ask Erik how long it is, I suppose...
He carves up every goblin, ne'er caring for their plea
"carves up" should be "butchers", since that's what goblins fearfully call him.
And in the Eighth they'd likely use "never".
Stand back or Beethro's gonna do... ya.
This is slightly redundant, and IMO if kept should be revised similarly to the above.

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Make your pressure plates 3.0 style!
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[Last edited by Jatopian at 05-08-2007 01:02 AM : minor additions]
05-08-2007 at 12:59 AM
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Yellow_Mage
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A smiters blade is suppose to be about 5 feet.

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05-08-2007 at 01:31 AM
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calamarain
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Jatopian wrote:
calamarain wrote:
Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the sword,
I might suggest a more impressive word than "coming", since there's nothing particularly grand about an inert sword unless it's magical, Damocles's, etc.
A very minor nitpick: The Eighth uses modern English mostly, so perhaps "my" would be better.
Regarding that, this was intended as an almost direct copy from the original lyric "Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord", I wanted to keep it as similar as possible. I think I'll keep this one as it is.
I have seen the walls and trapdoors and bombs hooked up with cord,
This line needs another syllable to scan properly - I suggest saying "and the bombs"
You're quite right. "and the bombs" works a bit better.
Look out or Beethro's gonna do... ya.
You seem to like this line, so I won't suggest its replacement, but I suggest for clarity making it "or Beethro in'll do... ya".
Actually, I don't like that line much at all, but the rhyming scheme is difficult. I'll attempt to think up alternatives.
But he is building up a deadly trap as the well placed golem breaks
This line has two too many syllables - I suggest making it "He is building up a death trap"
Again, that works well. I'll incorporate it.
He leads the creature in to die and that's really all it takes
If it's a "hundred circling snakes" it should probably be "creatures".
Also, this line has one syllable too many - I suggest making it "that is all".
I agree with both those, and will incorporate them.
His sword will run itself right through... ya
...I really don't care for this line, even knowing it's figurative - one mustn't praise the sword over the man wielding it, as said in the ending of Smitemastery 101.
Again, limited by rhyming schemes. I'll think up a modified one.

I have read a deadly sentence in his two foot pointed steel
Two-foot? That's hardly a Really Big Sword (tm). We should probably ask Erik how long it is, I suppose...
He carves up every goblin, ne'er caring for their plea
"carves up" should be "butchers", since that's what goblins fearfully call him.
And in the Eighth they'd likely use "never".
Stand back or Beethro's gonna do... ya.
This is slightly redundant, and IMO if kept should be revised similarly to the above.
Yep, will change that, and make it into a five foot sword as suggested earlier. Will post a new and modified version in a bit... My thanks for the constructive criticism, and you'll get full credit with the repost :)

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05-09-2007 at 01:00 AM
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calamarain
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Revised version by Calamarain, with contributions by Jatopian and Yellow_Mage

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the sword,
I have seen the walls and trapdoors and the bombs hooked up with cord,
My tactics shall be peerless thus my enemies be floored
While Budkin marches on!

Glory... glory... Hallelujah!
Beethro... will run his sword right through... ya
Glory... glory... Hallelujah!
While Budkin marches on

I have seen him in the shadows of a hundred circling snakes
He is building up a deathtrap, as the well placed golem breaks
He leads the creatures in to die and that is all it takes
While Budkin marches on!

Glory... glory... Hallelujah!
He'll weave... a cunning path right through... ya
Glory... glory... Hallelujah!
While Budkin marches on

I have read a deadly sentence in his five-foot pointed steel
He carves through endless roach attacks to cook his latest meal
He is the one, the Smitemaster before whom we should kneel
While Budkin Marches on!

Glory... glory.... Hallelujah!
He'll take the righteous fight right to... ya
Glory... glory.... Hallelujah!
While Budkin marches on

In the beauty of the dungeon, he stands there clear to see
He kills the mighty Slayer with a quick one two and three
He butchers every goblin, never caring for their plea
While Budkin marches on!

Glory, glory Hallelujah!
Roaches... our Beethro's gonna stew... ya.
Glory, glory Hallelujah!
While Budkin marches on

Now, where do I post this to apply to have it included in the Eigth's Philosophy?

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05-09-2007 at 01:10 AM
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Beef Row
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calamarain wrote:
Now, where do I post this to apply to have it included in the Eigth's Philosophy?

You can post to the "Contributions from Above" submission thread which is stickied in the The Site section. You'll get feedback on if it needs to be changed at all, and then I imagine (though I can't speak for anyone) that this will be put up, as it's quite good.

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05-09-2007 at 03:18 AM
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calamarain
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Beef Row wrote:
calamarain wrote:
Now, where do I post this to apply to have it included in the Eigth's Philosophy?

You can post to the "Contributions from Above" submission thread which is stickied in the The Site section. You'll get feedback on if it needs to be changed at all, and then I imagine (though I can't speak for anyone) that this will be put up, as it's quite good.

Have posted, but not received feedback yet. If it does get included, where will it be? I'm not too clear on that one.

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05-10-2007 at 05:12 PM
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Tuttle
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05-15-2007 at 03:50 PM
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