These are offered to help polish things up. Nothing in here would block the hold's promotion, but IMO good spelling and grammar improve the quality of a hold.
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Speech
Ahh yes mister Budkin, right on time!
This should probably be: 'Ahh yes, Mister Budkin, right on time!"
Oh, ok.
'OK' usu. capitalized.
Alright, now lets get to the bottom of this!
Ok, lets open that door!
should be let's. and see prev comment about 'OK'.
Ahh, mister Budkin, are you enjoying the Smitemaster's Dream Spa?
Mister
You know, we call this place the Smitemaster's Dream because...
Dream or Dream Spa?
I suggest you disarm mister Budkin.
I suggest you disarm, Mister Budkin.
But untill then I have been instructed to take you to the prison.
'until'
You got "Don't double cross that fuse" by The Gaggle of Goblins?
No
How 'bout "That Little Seep in my Bathroom Wall" by the Smiterockers?
No
But I do have "Every Good Goblin has a Bad Side" by Tibor and The Rosy Roaches
Punctuation missing from sentences in this exchange.
Scrolls
It's the snake varity hour! (Incase you don't know)
'variety'? 'In case'
Room of cruelity!
'cruelty'
Entrance Texts
"Alright, now starts my vacation!" "Hey, I wonder why they call this place the Smitemaster's dream?" "If they are anything like my dreams i am going to like this place very much." -Beethro's words before entering Smitemaster's Dream Spa
'Now starts my vacation' is awkward. Should be something like 'Now I can start my vacation' or 'My vacation has begun'.
Do they call it the Smitemaster's Dream Spa or just Smitemaster's Dream? In either case Dream should be capitalized.
If they are anything like my dreams, I am (not?) going to like this place very much. (not sure whethere there's a not missing or not. If you intend to say that he will like it, I would say 'I am going to like this place a lot' 'very much' without a 'not is awkward.
"Well, last night wasn't to hard." "Maybe my week off might be good anyways!" Beethro drifts to sleep, then suddenly he hears a loud thud outside his room. "I think I spoke to soon..."
"
Well, last night wasn't too hard."
"
Maybe my week off will be good anyway!"
Beethro drifts off to sleep, then suddenly he hears a loud thud outside his room. "
I think I spoke too soon..."
"Where did she go, I don't see her!" "Jeebus, this wasn't part of the brochrue!"
'brochure'
End Hold Message
"God, I hope these next days in this chamber will be alil' relaxing." -A tired Beethro ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How will Beethro get out of the prison under the spa? Who is the man who took him captive? Where did Beethro's sword go? Why is there a DJ in a prison? Will Beethro get a full refund? To Be Continued
will be a lil' (?)
