zex20913
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I warned you guys in the intro. If you read this, you only have yourselves to blame.

What do you call a sexually active nun?


Henry Ford was flirting with his secretary when a manager rushed in and said that his Cleveland factory was burning down. Henry said

And now, for some math punnery.

Why don't carrots ever get invited to parties?



What did the evil mathematician say when he forgot how to factor quadratics?



That's it for now...and probably far too many. Please, add groaners of your own!

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krammer
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Oh dear... you don't want to get me started on puns, I know far too many. Most are long ones though, so I'll just post a couple.





Now for a real (long) groaner...

A man goes into a restaurant and orders squid. The waiter, Gervais, asks the man to choose a squid from the tank. "I'll have the green one with the moustache," the diner said.
"Oh please sir, that squid is my favourite," begged Gervais. "Please choose a different one." But the diner would not be budged, so with a heavy heart, Gervais took the green squid, placed him on the chopping block, and raised the knife. At that moment, the squid turned and looked at him and he was so overcome with compassion he couldn't kill the creature. "I know," he decided, "I'll get Hans who does the washing up, he's a tough guy and won't mind killing the squid."
So Hans was fetched and he too raised the knife... and when the squid turned to look at him, he couldn't kill the green moustached squid either.
And the moral is...


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"Oook!"

zex20913
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I'd heard the second, I liked the first, and I didn't get the third, of krammer's.

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Sokko
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"Hardwood is unacceptable. Please show me a more rugged floor covering."

Tee-hee! I got most of these from BigPuns.com, which is the first site that comes up if you do a search for the word "puns".



So you can drive a car, but what do you have to chauffeur it?

I hear that strangers are living your basement. Of course, these are only roomers.

Roll down this hill, if you are so inclined.

Walking in the circle was utterly pointless.

The air-cooling device was conditionally guaranteed.

How do you expect to proliferate the species by keeping your fence locked? It's time to prop a gate.

The main hall is closed—we'll just have to wing it.

When the flag carrier disgraced our organization, we had no choice but to banner.



And I agree, krammer could you please explain that last one?

P.S. I loved the second one, I had to go back and look at it again before my slow morning brain kicked in!

[Edited by Sokko on 08-08-2003 at 01:20 PM]

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How many boards would the Mongols hoard if the Mongol hordes got bored?

krammer
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Sorry, maybe it's a British thing. I keep forgetting most people here are Americans...

Anyway, there used to be a TV ad for washing up liquid with a jingle that ran...

Hence the really awful pun. Sorry again, but it's quite a well known jingle over here.

I didn't get zex's last though... maybe I'm just dense.

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ClaytonW
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My contribution to this delightful topic:

zex20913
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Maybe my last one was an American math class thing...

To expand something into a quadratic, the teachers taught my classes: First, Outside, Inside, Last, or FOIL.

I.E.: (x+1)(x+2)=(xXx)+(xX2)+(1Xx)+(1X2). FOIL. Thus the pun.

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Oneiromancer
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Oh yeah! FOIL! I really should have remembered that one.

Unfortunately, I can't really remember any puns right now, only dirty jokes. Bummer.

Game on,

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"He who is certain he knows the ending of things when he is only beginning them is either extremely wise or extremely foolish; no matter which is true, he is certainly an unhappy man, for he has put a knife in the heart of wonder." -- Tad Williams

bdcribbs
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Here's another math one:

I once asked a math professor of mine what his favorite topic in mathematics was. "Knot Theory" he replied, and I said, "Yeah, me neither".

And a random one I heard the other day:

How many golfers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?


hmm.. that golfer one is really much funnier in person, a lot depends on the timing of delivering the punchline... sort of quick, just after they've processed the question, and as if you're not giving the answer but addressing someone far away the way a golfer would say it. Not that I've ever met a golfer... do they really shout "fore"?

[Edited by bdcribbs on 08-09-2003 at 08:31 AM]

Sokko
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They do unless they want someone to sue them for a concussion. Shouting "FORE" is a way of letting people know there's about to be an airborne projectile in the area, and they should get out of the way as fast as possible! Or at least watch out and make sure they're not in the golfer's line of fire.

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How many boards would the Mongols hoard if the Mongol hordes got bored?

Mattcrampy
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How much is it to get pierced at Pegleg Pete's?



I'm so ashamed.
Matt

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What do you call an elephant at the North Pole?

Malarame
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It isn't a pun, but this was my favorie joke from when I was very young. In order for it to work, you have to say all three of them in a row.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
An interrupting cow.
An interrup-
MOO!

Knock knock.
Who's there?
An interrupting pig.
An interrup-
OINK!

Knock knock.
Who's there?
An interrupting cow-pig.
An interrup-
MOINK!

I know it's stupid, but I used to use that all the time and then laugh for about 10 minutes straight. I guess that explains a lot, actually.

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-Groucho Marx

NoahT
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My family is good with jokes. Here are four I made up.

What do you call a salmon-eating animal that falls with the rain?


Why did the radio annoucer drop out of the sky?


What do you call an elephant that has tartar on its teeth?


What do you call the group of teachers in a school of ducks?




-Noah

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And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.

My stuff:

NoahT
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Here's another duck joke:

What's a duck's favorite board game?




-Noah

[Edited by NoahT on 08-17-2003 at 05:09 AM GMT: Emoticon]

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And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.

My stuff:

Mattcrampy
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What do witches regard the idea that flying on broomsticks is a sexual metaphor as?



Matt

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What do you call an elephant at the North Pole?

krammer
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Another longish one...

After a chess tournament, the players all returned to a hotel for the night. As one person sorted out the details with the receptionist, the others began to recount tales of previous tournaments they had played in. Soon nearly all the chess players were attempting to outdo the others in their stories. After a bit, the manager came out.
"I'm sorry," he said, "but I'm afraid I can't allow this. It will have to stop."
The puzzled guests stopped. "Why?"


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zex20913
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If I had a manatee, I'd name it Hugh.

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Mattcrampy
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What do you call an elephant at the North Pole?

Yellow_Mage
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Oh gawd.... *dies with laughter*



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Jatopian
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File: punneh.jpg (28.3 KB)
Downloaded 92 times.
License: Public Domain

<- "Now is the winter of our discontent."

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Make your pressure plates 3.0 style!
DROD architecture idea generator

Ezlo
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Heh, I'm actually acting in that play currently. That is a good one, I'll share it with the group.

If anyone is curious, I play Lord Hastings.

zex20913
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Paying with exact change makes no sense.

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krammer
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This is one of my favourites.

So there's these 2 prawns called Arthur and Christian. They're swimming along when they encounter a giant cod. "Greetings young prawns. I am magical, and can grant you each a wish."

Feeling hungry, Christian asks for the largest pile of plankton ever. A flick of the cod's tail and sure enough there's enough to feed an army. Delighted, he dives in and starts munching.

Arthur thinks this is boring, and fed up of being prey, wishes instead to be turned into a shark. A flick of the tail and there he is, a giant ferocious shark. Poor Christian is so terrified he swims off as fast as he can.

Well, Arthur has great fun terrorising the ocean, but there aren't many other sharks about and after a few days he's very lonely. So he seeks out the magic cod again and begs to be changed back. The cod is dubious, but Arthur is so persistent he eventually gives in.

Happily restored to his original species, Arthur rushes back to find his friends, only to discover they don't recognise him!

"But Christian!" he cries. "It's me, Arthur!"
"You're not Arthur," replies Christian. "Arthur was turned into a shark."

"Yes, I was," he agrees...

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---

[Last edited by krammer at 05-24-2007 01:54 PM]

Yellow_Mage
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*Starts to cry uncontrollably*

Ahhhh....

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"Sit and daydream, and watch the changing color of the waves that break upon the idle seashore of the mind." - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

goldenlion
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Zex's math jokes inspired me to contribute this mathematician pickup line:

Baby, I wish I were your derivative:



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Albert
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zex20913 wrote:
Paying with exact change makes no sense.

It also makes no cents.

Bombadil
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krammer wrote:

"Yes, I was," he agrees...

Click here to view the secret text

×"But then I saw cod and now I'm a prawn again, Christian!"

Could someone explain this one to me?

I know this is quite lame, but I love puns, and since I'm not English-born I don't get all of them...

Znirk
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"Yes, I was," he agrees...
"Yes, I was," he agrees...

krammer
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Ooh, I almost forgot this one... no more after this, I promise...

There was once a very revered hermit, a dabbler in the occult arts, who lived simply; dressed only in a simple robe, he walked barefoot everywhere. As such his feet were very tough and hardened. He also had a very poor diet, mainly living on berries and raw meat, which meant that he suffered from rather bad breath, and his bones were very brittle. As such he was known throughout the region as

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Yellow_Mage
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Ohh... oh my... o_0

I would still mod you up if I had points tho'... you know you get that sort of "chill" at the back of your skull, like your muscles are shivering and it seems like your brain wants to jump out and beat you with a wet fish (probably only me), that what certain puns do to me.

I would keep posting them, don't stop. The "good" ones tho'.


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"Sit and daydream, and watch the changing color of the waves that break upon the idle seashore of the mind." - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow