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Beethro's Retirement Speech (By Larry Murk) (Non-Canon)

Thank you to all my fellow smitemasters for showing up to this retirement party honoring me, Beethro Budkin.

You all know me as a legendary smitemaster, but it wasnít always that way. I remember when I first bought my sword and King Dugan hired me to clean out his dungeon. Back in those days dungeons were dungeons. This dungeon was dark, damp, and dirty. Worst of all was the stench emanating from the dungeon. It was so thick and foul I thought I might need my sword to cut through it.

When I finally managed to open my eyes I couldnít believe what I saw. There were vermin the likes of which no man has seen before. First, there were these enormous cockroaches. They were as big as a car and the ravenous critters came right at me like I might be their next meal. Luckily, with one good chop I could split the buggers down the middle. Sure there are critters that were a lot worse like the queen roaches. Now the queens donít attack you. As a matter of a fact, theyíll run straight away from you. The problem is they keep hatching these vicious roach babies every few turns. There were a lot more nasty creatures down there too like giant eyeballs that would attack you if they saw you, goblins that try to outmaneuver you, and this awful blue tar stuff thatís still stuck to my shoes. Maybe my worst memory is of rows of yellow doors and orbs. I still have nightmares involving hitting orbs and just hoping all the doors will open so I can get back to what I like best -- smiting monsters.

Nowadays you have things completely different. First off, the dungeons are much cleaner, better lit, and donít smell nearly so bad. They also look much nicer decorated with rocks, bushes, statues, and whatnot. How about the monsters? You have these overly-tall lumbering rocks that crumble into a pile of rubble when you touch them with your sword. Then there are those huge white hairy creatures that run up to you and instead of eating you, they HUG you. Instead of tar youíve got mud which washes right off. Oh, there are also bombs nowadays which youíve got to be a little careful around, but when used properly can more often be used to your advantage than not.

I look around me and I see a lot of young exterminators out there, some females even. Many of you probably havenít even cleaned out a dungeon yet. When you go out there I just want you to remember how exterminating was back in the old days when it was a manís job, and not a pleasant one at that. Good luck to you all, there are hundreds more dungeons out there waiting for the next legendary smitemaster -- you.