Drizzo
Level: Master Delver
Rank Points: 179
Registered: 03-03-2004
IP: Logged
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Re: Bizarre Story Thread (+1)
- Pat Sajak!"
"Well, of course," remarked the host of Wheel of Fortune, "You weren't expecting Alex Trebek to go off fighting evil, were you?"
"Actually, he always seemed more the hero type to me... You seem to short and pretzel-like, and well... He's Canadian, like Dudley Do-Right."
"Yes, I must admit, he does come from a more heroic nationality, but they aren't all prophecied heroes like Howie Mandel." said Pat, with a tone in his voice like he'd covered this topic in the past, and was irritated with it even then. "Alex Trebek is actually more prone to drinking heavily and scaring children on his time off than heroism."
"But he seems so smart--"
"Look!" snapped Pat "Do you want to stop my cousin or do you want to ask Trebek out on a date? Because I can arrange that, but then-- then the world would be doomed. You want that?" Pat was clearly peeved. "Is that what you want? Cities in flames? Bodies piled 10 deep in every street? Cute little kittens going hungry?"
"N-n-no," mumbled John, abashed, "b-but--"
"But nothing, let's get to work! The sooner we get started the soo--" Pat stopped, for John had collapsed. He obviously had fallen deeply into a flashback.
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The sound of a strike echoed in his ears. Then there was some screams. John looked down at his hand, it was covered in blood, and still holding a bowling ball. He looked at the floor. There she was, still twitching.
"We better get out of here." came a voice without sound. "On my way to find you I spent a few months at a hot dog stand frequented by policemen. I gathered they don't much care for murderers."
"Murderers? But I'm not--" John stopped. "Am I?"
"We don't have time for this, pick me up and lets go!"
John dropped the bloody bone-breaking bowling ball, and grabbed the chatty convincing condiment container and ran for the door.
A tall angry-looking burly man stepped in front of him to block his exit. "You can't just go smashing a pretty lady and run off, son. You best sit yourself down and wait for the authorities if you still want to be able to stand tomorrow."
"Do something, John!" said French, "We gotta get outta he---- AAAAAARGH!"
French's scream came, and was shortly followed by one from the man, because John was indeed doing something. He squirted the spicy contents of French's body into the man's eyes, and followed swiftly with a very impolite boot to the groin. The man grunted and fell to the ground, whimpering as he tried to hold his naughty bits and clear the mustard out of his eyes at the same time. Meanwhile, John had run out the front door, wild-eyed and breathing heavily.
"Never ever EVER do that again!" yelled French. "Do you understand?"
"What?" said John, confused.
"How would you like it if I just tore out your liver and threw it at someone to distract them?" John tried to mutter a response, but was interrupted by the irate mustard. "That's right! You wouldn't. So don't use my innards in combat either." The mustard considered their situation. "Alright first we're going to need a place to hide... I've got a lot I need to explain."
Just then John could hear sirens approaching, and he ran off into the nearby woods, and right out of this flashback.
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"Pat, your make up artists are genius..." mumbled John, not really awake, "You can barely tell you're a pretzel on TV..."
"Oh good," said a woman's voice, "You're awake, Pat was beginning to get worried."
"Huh? What?" John blinked and shook his head to clear the fog, and blinked at the light while his vision cleared. "Sorry, I'm prone to spells like that, you'll probably see another one a few posts late--" John stopped in astonishment, because as his eyes came into focus and fell on her face, she was familiar. She was different from the last time he saw her. Her face was a pale white with deep red color that was now confined only to her lips. Her eyes the color of blue that you'd see through a thin layer of ice in a pristine mountain lake, not glassy and panicked. Her cheekbones were high and stately and her cute little roman nose made her a vision of absolute beauty, the somewhat flattened appearance last time marred that attractiveness. Perhaps her actions were the most striking contrast though, last he had seen her she was very occupied with bleeding and twitching on the bowling alley floor, but now she was regarding him with a wry and knowing smile.
"But you-- I smashed..."
"Oh, that? Pish posh, it had to happen for the plan to work, a trifling little injury. Don't worry about it, my love."
"But I could see your brains!" said John, who if possible, would have been going even crazier now. Contrary to what you'd expect, his mind actually felt clearer than it had since the bowling alley. "There's no way you could have--"
"Excellent!" came a voice from the other side of the room, "Well, we've no time for idle chatter, your little nap wasted all the time we had to spare. Up, up! We've got very important work to do."
"But I don't understand!" moaned John.
"Later!" snapped Sajak, "Now, we must be on our way." With that, he clapped his hands and the goonz entered the room, hoisted him out of bed and hustled him down the hallway with the pretzel-like host and the woman-- my wife, perhaps?-- following close behind.
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"Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government
and business." - Tom Robbins
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