Looking at the hold so far, I see a story that has nothing to do with the actual hold that I am currently playing through. It appears as if I am entering a building of some sort while reading notes left by the last intruder.
So, if you want to keep your story the way it is (meaning the player is doing the storytelling and experiencing the stuff mentioned in the scroll), I suggest a significant alteration of the current architecture, turning it into a more active
experience instead of a mere
observation for the player. Primarily, use other, non-battle characters to show the player being affected by the current story. This would require the use of cutscenes, speech, movement, timing, and an overall lot of effort to make it right. However, if you pulled this off, I, and likely many others, would greatly appreciate the work and enjoy your story and hold to its fullest.
Or, you could change the story to the example I stated above (the player is infiltrating a fortress and reading the notes left behind by another infiltrator). This would require less work regarding scripting, letting you focus more on architecture and puzzles, though you would have to put more effort into the story to make it more interesting. A person breaking into a fortress and reading noted made by another intruder is not particularly interesting by itself, but with some creativity and imagination, it could be made into a very nifty experience for the player.
Your third option, of course, is to simply do away with the story. Unless you have amazing skill incorporating an epic tale into the architecture of a hold,
the general consensus is that people would prefer it if you created a plot-less hold with good puzzles followed by writing you epic story in book form.
So, to answer your question, the story you are writing has potential to be interesting, but should probably not be put into your hold. Continue building your hold and continue writing your story, but you might get a better critical reception if you keep the two separated.
____________________________
It was going well until it exploded.
~Scott Manley
Check out the DROD Wikia project
here!
