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Zmann
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icon Hey All You Proof-Readers! (that means you) (0)  
Um, I mentioned my english project on another post, don't remember which one but... anyway. Back to the point. I was never any good at writing. I can get the grammer correct, but my writings always look like crap to me. I was going to get it proof read by someone else, but I've been sick all week and didn't get a chance.

Any way, anyone that can proofread my paper, point out spelling mistakes, poke fun at my sentance structure, help me with my vocabulary, or just make genral statements, go right ahead. Don't think you have to read the whole thing, but if you want to go right ahead.

BTW: Its without double spaces behind sentances, no underlining under book titles, and no tabs becauase I'm too lazy to go through all the work to make it... uh... work.

Ok, here it is:


The books 1984 and Fahrenheit 451 have very similar qualities, but also have qualities that make them unique. George Orwell, the author of 1984, and Ray Bradbury, the author of Fahrenheit 451 had their own separate views of what they thought the future would be like. George Orwell was born in Great Britain, and thought the future would be a huge government that was always watching you, while Ray Bradbury was born in America, and thought that books would be outlawed, and they would all get burned. While these two men had separate ideas, the books are still quite similar.

In 1984 the government was very strict. The main group of the government was the Party. Things could only be displayed digitally, so the Party could have easy access to the information, and change it at will. Also, if someone only thought about committing a crime, it was a crime in of itself. The main enforcers were the thought police. The thought police would use clues like body language to guess if one was committing a crime. The punishment for thoughtcrime was torture and eventually death. The rouges in the book were a group called the brotherhood. The brotherhood was very mysterious in the fact that never were more than two of them were captured at a time, so one never knew if the group really existed, or if it was just some government stunt.

In Fahrenheit 451, the government was also pretty strict. Unlike 1984, there wasn’t a main group that controlled the government but like the book 1984, books were forbidden. In contrast to 1984, thinking about committing a crime was not a crime, but owning books was a serious offence. The main enforcers were the firemen. These people would come to the offender’s house, and burn it down with the books in it. If the person owning the books refused to leave the house, they would burn them with it. If the person did not stay in the house with the books, they would be arrested afterwards. The rouges in Fahrenheit 451 were a group of people who lived by the train tracks. They would memorize books so they could spread the books around the world. Unlike 1984, this group was in no way a government scheme, but actually a real group.

In 1984 Winston, the main character, would start off his daily routine by getting up to the sound of the telescreen and doing his morning exercises. Winston was forced to go to work every day, and friendship was not approved of. Marriage was only allowed for the use of making humans. Marriage had nothing to do with love. People in 1984 were expected to be doing something productive to the Party at all times. Telescreens were placed in every room imaginable, and on streets. They even had little microphones out in the country to make sure no one was doing anything illegal. All Winston did for his work was changed documents to fit what the Party recently said. Winston eventually figured out that there must be a better way to run a government, and he joined the resistance. There were many other jobs too, but they all involved working for the party in some way.

Unlike 1984, in Fahrenheit 451 you were not bossed around by a giant T.V, but on the contrary, there were large screens covering many of the walls in Fahrenheit 451. These walls were not to just give you entertainment, but they were made to be so addictive that a person would never have much time to think or do other normal human activities. Cars were designed in the same vain. They were created to be so fast and noisy, that when driving, one had little time to think of anything else. In contrast to 1984, friendship and marriage was allowed, and it wasn’t even prohibited. Guy Montag married for love, but to his disappointment, Mildred wasn’t as great as wife as he originally thought. Mildred was caught up in the things of the world, like the wall televisions, and seashell radios (little radios that could be constantly played). Guy’s job was significantly different than Winston’s, but both were jobs that helped the government. Guy was a “fireman”; a person trained to burn any book, because books were thought to be “evil”. Like Winston, Guy figured out that the way the government officials ran the country was not the greatest, and he, like Winston, joined a resistance.

As shown in the preceding paragraphs, Fahrenheit 451 and 1984 have different supporting details, but the basic theme was strikingly similar. While Orwell and Bradbury grew up in very different cultures, their books have an amazing likeness to each other.

12-18-2003 at 02:50 AM
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Scott
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I am a terrible speller but picked up one.

You mean rogues not rouges. Rouge is makeup.


12-18-2003 at 05:24 AM
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Oneiromancer
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Zmann wrote:
The books 1984 and Fahrenheit 451 have very similar qualities, but also have qualities that make them unique.
You should choose some kind of synonym for "qualities" so you don't use it twice in a row like this. Perhaps "traits"?
George Orwell, the author of 1984, and Ray Bradbury, the author of Fahrenheit 451,
add a comma at this point
had their own separate views of what they thought the future would be like. George Orwell was born in Great Britain, and thought the future would be a huge government that was always watching you, while Ray Bradbury was born in America, and thought that books would be outlawed, and they would all get burned. While these two men had separate ideas, the books are still quite similar.
Does where they were born have anything to do with the ideas they are presenting? I bet it does, but glancing through the rest of the essay I don't see any mention of it. This could be an important thing to discuss. You also seem to be comparing the governments and the rogues fighting the governments in the two books pretty consistently...so this should probably be introduced somehow.
In 1984 the government was very strict. The main group of the government was the Party. Things could only be displayed digitally, so the Party could have easy access to the information, and change it at will. In addition, if someone only thought about committing a crime, it was a crime in and of itself. The main enforcers of these laws were the thought police. The thought police would use clues like body language to guess if one was committing a crime. The punishment for thoughtcrime was torture and eventually death. The rogues in the book were a group called the brotherhood. The brotherhood was very mysterious due to the fact that there never were more than two of them captured at a time, so it was never known if the group really existed, or if it was just some government stunt.
Change the marked words.
In Fahrenheit 451, the government was also pretty strict. Unlike 1984, there wasn’t a main group that controlled the government, but similar to 1984, books were forbidden. In contrast to 1984, thinking about committing a crime was not a crime, but owning books was a serious offense.
According to your profile you're American, so "offense" is not spelled with a c.
The main enforcers were the firemen, whowould come to the offender’s house, and burn it down with the books still inside. If the person owning the books refused to leave the house, the firemen would burn that person along with their books. If the person did not stay in the house with their books, they would be arrested afterwards. The rogues in Fahrenheit 451 were a group of people who lived by the train tracks. They would memorize books so they could spread the books around the world. Unlike 1984, this group was in no way a government scheme, but was actually a real group.
Again, change the noted words.
In 1984,
add comma
Winston, the main character, would start off his daily routine by getting up to the sound of the telescreen and doing his morning exercises. Winston was forced to go to work every day, and friendship was not approved of. Marriage was only allowed for the use of making more humans. Marriage had nothing to do with love. People in 1984 were expected to be doing something productive to the Party at all times. Telescreens were placed in every room imaginable, and on streets. They even had little microphones out in the country to make sure no one was doing anything illegal. All Winston did for his work was changed documents to fit what the Party recently said. Winston eventually figured out that there must be a better way to run a government, and he joined the resistance. There were many other jobs too, but they all involved working for the party in some way.
This last sentence doesn't really follow from the previous one. You might be able to switch the places of the last two sentences but it still doesn't flow quite right...play around with it a bit.
Unlike 1984, in Fahrenheit 451 the people were not bossed around by a giant T.V, but on the contrary, there were large screens covering many of the walls in Fahrenheit 451. These walls were not to just give you entertainment, but they were made to be so addictive that a person would never have much time to think or do other normal human activities.
??? That sure sounds like they are basically being bossed around by a giant TV to me...
Cars were designed in the same vein. They were created to be so fast and noisy, that when driving, one had little time to think of anything else. In contrast to 1984, friendship and marriage was allowed, and it wasn’t even prohibited. Guy Montag, the main character of Fahrenheit 451, married for love, but to his disappointment, Mildred wasn’t as great a wife as he originally thought. Mildred was caught up in the things of the world, like the wall televisions, and seashell radios (little radios that could be constantly played). Guy’s job was significantly different than Winston’s, but both were jobs that helped the government. Guy was a “fireman”; a person trained to burn any book, because books were thought to be “evil”. Like Winston, Guy figured out that the way the government officials ran the country was not the greatest, and he, like Winston, joined a resistance.
Change as noted.
As shown in the preceding paragraphs, Fahrenheit 451 and 1984 have different supporting details, but the basic themes were strikingly similar. While Orwell and Bradbury grew up in very different cultures, their books have an amazing likeness to one another.
Again you mention the different cultures they grew up in, but you never said anything about how they related to the stories. I haven't read both books in a while, but I bet you can find similarities between the different Parties in 1984 and the various divisions of the British government. In addition, some of the arguments for book burning in Fahrenheit 451 is probably somewhat based on a corruption of the Bill of Rights. You'll need to do your own research, of course, but these could be some powerful arguments, if appropriate to the assignment.

It looks pretty good, Zmann...it could be a lot worse, trust me! Good luck!

Game on,

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12-18-2003 at 06:54 AM
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DiMono
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I just gave it a cursory look, here are my comments. They appear in the order you wrote what they comment on:


I'd change "...author of Fahrenheit 451 had their own separate views of what..." to "...author of Fahrenheit 451, each had separate views of what..."

"Things could only be displayed digitally" ... what things? This should be clear the first time it's mentioned, not in subsequent sentences.

I'd change "...thought about committing a crime, it was a crime..." to "...thought about committing a crime, it was still a crime..."

"The punishment for thoughtcrime" put thoughtcrime in single quotes, as it's a term from the book, not an everyday word

I'd change "...but like the book 1984, books were forbidden." to "...but books were still forbidden."

"The main enforcers were the firemen." ...the main enforcers of what? Be specific here.

"...they would burn them with it." too many thems and theys. I'd just pull the "them" out and leave the rest.

I'd change "Marriage was only allowed for the use of making humans. Marriage had nothing to do with love." to "Marriage was only allowed for reproductive purposes, and had nothing to do with love."

"...they all involved working for the party in some way." party should be capitalized, for consistency.

"but on the contrary," basically says "but but". I'd change this segment to "you were not bossed around by a giant T.V; there were large screens..." In the same sentence, you start and end with "in Fahrenheit 451" Pull one of these out.

I'd change "but they were made to be so addictive" to "but they were designed to be so addictive"

"Cars were designed in the same vain." the vain should be vein.

"friendship and marriage was allowed, and it wasn’t even prohibited." the second half is redundant. If it's allowed, then by definition it's not prohibited.

"Mildred wasn’t as great as wife" change the second 'as' to an 'a'

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12-18-2003 at 07:34 AM
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zex20913
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I would also look at your repetition of the fireman's job in your next to last paragraph. Because you explain it in your third paragraph.

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12-18-2003 at 09:52 AM
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Zmann
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icon Re: Hey All You Proof-Readers! (that means you) (0)  
Hey thanks everyone. I didn't get a chance to change some of the things due to time constraints, but I got mostly everything mentioned fixed. Thanks again!

;)

-Zmann
12-19-2003 at 12:50 PM
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