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Tim
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quote:
MeckMeck GRE wrote:
I don't like the idea at all to replace any word refering to a nation,a religion or a certain group of people with "Hittie". It dosen't make the jokes better, it usually makes them plain stupid. There a lot of jokes about German bureaucracy and British food and they're just as long funny as long as you know about their background. If you're now going to write about Hittish bureaucracy guys eating Hittish food it's rather a guessing game than a joke.
MeckMeck (and the rest), I don't know if you remember why there are "Hittie" jokes here, but, just in case you don't know, here's a link:
quote:
ErikH2000 wrote:
I really didn't feel good about the Jewish joke, secret tags or not, so it got axed. Let's just stay off of any jokes that depend on a certain race, religion, or handicap being present in them. My Dad used to make Hittite jokes, because there aren't any Hittites around any more to take offense.
The rest is up to you.

-- Tim

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[Last edited by Tim at 07-19-2007 02:48 PM]
07-19-2007 at 02:47 PM
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MeckMeck GRE
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Thanks Tim.... it seems that I misuderstood (or forgot) the purpose of those Hittie-replacements. Of course, it's important to keep the forum free of jokes, that could be offensive to national,political,religious groups and those Hittie-replacements are a good way to do so.

[Last edited by MeckMeck GRE at 07-19-2007 04:47 PM]
07-19-2007 at 04:46 PM
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silver
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what's sad is, for many jokes, even replacement isn't enough. you'll still "recognize" the race.

for example (only): a young Hittite asks his father for a loan of 50 dollars. his father replies, "40 dollars? what do you want to borrow 30 dollars for? there's no way I'm lending you 20 dollars!"

seems like we should just avoid telling the jokes in the first place, even with the H. replacement.


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07-19-2007 at 09:04 PM
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Tahnan
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"So, two Jews walk into a bar--"

"OK, look, stop it. Why is it always ethnic jokes with you? Can't you tell the jokes about some group that won't be offended?"

"Oh, fine, fine. Two Hittites walk into a bar mitzvah. The first one says, 'Nu, the kugel looks good,' and--"

"Never mind."
07-20-2007 at 03:54 AM
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Jatopian
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quote:
silver wrote:
what's sad is, for many jokes, even replacement isn't enough. you'll still "recognize" the race.

for example (only): a young Hittite asks his father for a loan of 50 dollars. his father replies, "40 dollars? what do you want to borrow 30 dollars for? there's no way I'm lending you 20 dollars!"
I don't recognize that one. Perhaps I'm just not down enough with the streets, or maybe I'm just not a collector of stereotypes.

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07-20-2007 at 04:18 AM
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silver
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quote:
Jatopian wrote:
I don't recognize that one. Perhaps I'm just not down enough with the streets, or maybe I'm just not a collector of stereotypes.


you need to watch more Mind of Mencia.


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07-20-2007 at 08:55 AM
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Tahnan
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It's odd, sometimes, to read older joke books. Like Ogden Nash's:
quote:
No McTavish
Was ever lavish

That one had me stumped for a while...does anyone still hold the stereotype that the Scottish are tight with money? For that matter, The Big Book of Jewish Humor--indispensible as a source of gentle self-mocking, and a little gentle gentile mocking--has an entire section of jokes based on the stereotype that Jews are afraid of dogs. I'm Jewish, I've heard a whole lot of Jewish jokes and Jewish stereotypes, but outside of that book, that's one I've never encountered. And yet, it must have been a stereotype once, or there wouldn't be so many jokes based on it.

Generally, I do tend to stick with humor that isn't at anyone's expense. Which means, generally, puns. Compare my wife's favorite joke:

"What do you call cheese that belongs to someone else? ...Nacho cheese!"
07-21-2007 at 05:48 AM
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Jatopian
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quote:
Tahnan wrote:
"What do you call cheese that belongs to someone else? ...Nacho cheese!"
I once heard some jerk condemn this one as racist because it invoked some sort of accent. :thumbsdown

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07-21-2007 at 06:44 AM
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Pinnacle
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What do you get when you cross an elephant with a banana?
|Elephant||Banana|sin(θ)n

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[Last edited by Pinnacle at 07-22-2007 05:25 AM : minor oversight]
07-21-2007 at 08:27 PM
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krammer
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quote:
Pinnacle should have written:
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a banana?
|Elephant| |Banana| sin θ n

where elephant, banana, n form a right-handed orthonormal basis.


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07-21-2007 at 08:33 PM
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Tahnan
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quote:
Pinnacle wrote:
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a banana?
|Elephant||Banana|sin(θ;)
Ah, but what do you get when you cross a mountaineer with a tsetse fly?

Nothing: you can't cross a scaler with a vector.
07-22-2007 at 01:21 AM
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golfrman
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What do you get when you croos my hands with a jeyboard?
This terrible joke.
Edit: And apparently some spelling mistakes as well

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[Last edited by golfrman at 07-23-2007 05:46 AM]
07-23-2007 at 05:45 AM
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Bobpie
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"This lady was knocking at my door, so I said "What the hell!?""
"So I got up, and let her out."
-Larry the cable guy

I know I didn't come up with it, just thought it was funny.

[Last edited by Bobpie at 07-23-2007 10:46 PM]
07-23-2007 at 10:45 PM
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west.logan
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An engineer, physicist, and statistician were out hunting and spot a monkey far away on a tree limb.

The physicist carefully calculates the angle he'll need to fire at, assuming a vacuum and thus neglecting wind resistance. The bullet lands five feet too short.

The engineer makes his calculations, using a table to add in a "fudge factor" to account for wind resistance. The bullet lands five feet too far.

The statistician yells "Hey guys! We got him!"

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10-10-2011 at 01:18 PM
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eb0ny
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Scientists were conducting an experiment. They took a physicist, an engineer and a topologist, put them in separate rooms with a table, a can of beans and some pen and paper and told them to open the can without using any tools.

After a few hours the scientists went to the physicist's room. Physicist's can had one dent in it and was open. He said that he calculated the optimal location to apply pressure to the can to cause its structural failure.

The engineer had managed opened the can as well. He used a brute force approach and simply beat the can with a chair until it was open.

The topologist, however, was nowhere to be seen. Scientists heard some rumbling from the can of beans. When they opened it, the topologist popped out of it all covered in sauce and said "I must have gotten a sign wrong somewhere."

:blush

I am not good at telling jokes.

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12-30-2011 at 11:22 PM
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west.logan
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Pretty good. Here's one of my favourites. I told it to the Electrical Circuits class I taught one time:

Sir Isaac Newton, Einstein, and Pascal were all walking through a meadow.

Einstein spots a tree in the distance and he gets an idea "Hey, let's all play hide 'n seek, I'll be first."

He goes over to the tree and slowly starts counting. Pascal runs off into some bushes while Newton just stands for a while, thinking. Then he grabs a stick, draws a box on the ground and squats inside the outline.

"...eight...nine...ten! Ready or not, here I...." He turns around and sees Newton.

"That has to be the dumbest hiding spot I've see, Newton. I've found you, you're it."

Newton shakes his head solemnly and replies "No...no, you found a Newton over a square meter---you found Pascal."

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12-31-2011 at 01:54 AM
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eb0ny
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Three logicians come into a bar. A barmaid asks them whether the three of them want to order any drinks. The first logician says "I don't know." The second logician says "I don't know." The third logician says "Yes."

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01-01-2012 at 11:56 AM
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12th Archivist
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An infinite number of mathematicians come into a bar. The first one comes up to the barkeeper and asks him for a full beer for himself, half a glass of beer for the second mathematician, a quarter of a glass of beer for the third, an eighth of a glass of beer for the fourth, and so on.

"Wise guy..." the barkeeper mumbles to himself as he fills up two glasses of beer.

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01-01-2012 at 04:26 PM
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Jacob
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They should really know their limits.

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01-01-2012 at 05:45 PM
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west.logan
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Two photons were speeding down the highway when a patrolman stops them. He saunters over to the vehicle and asks

"Buddy, do you know just how fast you were driving?"

The photon answers "As a matter of fact I do, officer...but I have no idea where I am."

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01-03-2012 at 01:28 PM
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coppro
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What's the problem with jokes about quantum physics?

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Dr. John Newell was a widely-respected set theorist, known for his precision and care. After making millions writing a very successful series of introductory textbooks*, he spent his time tracking down rare mathematical books to expand his personal library.
*Yes, you can indeed make millions and buy a mansion with math books.

Dr. Newell was a big believer in the mathematical community, so his library quickly gained a reputation since he would let any mathematician who came by peruse his collection. He had an idiosyncratic sorting system that few understood, but let him locate any book within moments; even when his collection grew to occupy an entire floor of his mansion. He eventually gained quite a reputation as a librarian.

Remarkably, despite this success, Dr. Newell still had not been given tenure. By whatever stroke of luck, he constantly got passed over. This didn't really bother Dr. Newell, as he didn't really need to work any more anyway. So it was never a significant thing for him.

This changed with the recent financial crash, though. The University had to trim its budget, and someone suggested a brilliant, magnificent way of dealing with this. They were going to impose mandatory volunteerism on tenure-track professors, so that they could perform some duties previously relegated only to graduate students.

Not wanting to miss an opportunity, the University administration decided that Dr. Newell's volunteer service would be to reorganize the University's library, hopefully increasing the library's efficiency, meaning that the University could save money and synergize more, or something like that.

Dr. Newell was not a very big fan of this proposition. He complained about it, but his fate seemed set. Faced with the loss of his job, which he still enjoyed, he begrudgingly agreed to help resort the University's library. The administration was overjoyed, looking forward to a library that would be easier to find books in.

One month later, it was abundantly clear that the whole affair was a disaster. No one, not even Dr. Newell, could find a book anywhere in the library. The University hastily switched back to its old system, at great expense, and struck a post-mortem committee to figure out what went wrong. Naturally, they interviewed Dr. Newell, curious why his sorting system had failed, when it had worked so well at his home, and he was famous for it.

Click here to view the secret text


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01-13-2012 at 07:02 PM
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quote:
RoboBob3000 wrote:
Why was three afraid of four?

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The new bar steals. Give RoboRob3000 what is his.

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[Last edited by Neather2 at 02-14-2012 08:43 PM]
02-14-2012 at 08:34 PM
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The Architest
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Hey, do you want to hear the fastest joke ever?
Click here to view the secret text


Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all night! :weep

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02-14-2012 at 08:49 PM
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Seth
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Three skydivers jumped off a plane on had a rock the other a knife and the third a nucular bomb. The first one came down to a kid and said why are you crying? He said a rock crushed my sand castle:~(. The second one came down to a kid and said why are you crying? She said a knife came down and cut odd the head of my doll:~(. The third came down to a boy and said why are you crying? He said i'm not crying in laughing because uncle charlie farted and the house blew up!

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997 error exceptions in the code,
997 error exceptions,
you take one down, patch it around
1278 error exceptions in the code...
02-20-2012 at 04:20 PM
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Seth
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How do you make a Mexican chili?

Click here to view the secret text


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997 error exceptions in the code,
997 error exceptions,
you take one down, patch it around
1278 error exceptions in the code...

[Last edited by Seth at 03-25-2012 06:51 AM]
03-25-2012 at 12:37 AM
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Jatopian
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The real question is how one throws a kitchen.

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03-25-2012 at 02:08 AM
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Znirk
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quote:
[Post Deleted] Brainiac1999 wrote:
"How do you say 'Have some nice algae' in German?" "Guten Tang."

Fixed.
03-25-2012 at 01:15 PM
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Bombadil
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quote:
[Post Deleted] Brainiac1999 wrote:
"And how do you misspell cooking pot in Spanish?" "Holla!"


...and fixed
03-25-2012 at 02:34 PM
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Seth
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Here's a riddle!

What can gnaw iron and metal devour every animal and person and is invincible?

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997 error exceptions in the code,
997 error exceptions,
you take one down, patch it around
1278 error exceptions in the code...

[Last edited by Seth at 03-25-2012 10:29 PM]
03-25-2012 at 10:28 PM
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west.logan
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Thyme?

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03-25-2012 at 10:33 PM
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