Announcement: Be excellent to each other.


Caravel Forum : Other Boards : Anything : Funniest quotes you've ever heard
Page 1 of 2
2
New Topic New Poll Post Reply
Poster Message
joker5
Level: Smitemaster
Rank Points: 607
Registered: 11-25-2003
IP: Logged
icon Funniest quotes you've ever heard (0)  
Just post a quote every once in a while for discussion.

Here's one: "Microsoft: Up twenty points."
"Yahoo!"
"Yahoo: Down twenty points."
"What is this crap?"
"Fox News: Bankrupt"

Homer and stock reporter. Always a classic.

~joker5

____________________________
Criminals, like other people, dislike being shot. ~FBI study on guns

www.badgerbadgerbadger.com

"Two words: Beam Waffle!" -me
10-13-2004 at 01:52 AM
View Profile Send Private Message to User Show all user's posts Quote Reply
DiMono
Level: Smitemaster
Avatar
Rank Points: 1160
Registered: 09-13-2003
IP: Logged
icon Re: Funniest quotes you've ever heard (0)  
"It hurts. Just let me die."
"You can't die. I'm bored!"

Episode 39 of Red Vs Blue, released this morning. Funny stuff... PG rating.

____________________________
Deploy the... I think it's a yellow button... it's usually flashing... it makes the engines go... WHOOSH!
10-13-2004 at 04:11 AM
View Profile Send Private Message to User Send Email to User Visit Homepage Show all user's posts This architect's holds Quote Reply
wackhead_uk
Level: Smiter
Avatar
Rank Points: 352
Registered: 06-21-2004
IP: Logged
icon Re: Funniest quotes you've ever heard (0)  
"And we're going to...live."

Red Dwarf, the big squid episode, while the scanners are malfunctioning. It's much funnier actually seeing it, believe me.
10-13-2004 at 08:37 AM
View Profile Send Private Message to User Send Email to User Visit Homepage Show all user's posts This architect's holds Quote Reply
Mattcrampy
Level: Smitemaster
Avatar
Rank Points: 2388
Registered: 05-29-2003
IP: Logged
icon Re: Funniest quotes you've ever heard (0)  
I imagine the Red Dwarf crew huddled around a scanner, while one of the characters reads off it, surprise in his voice as he says 'live'.

But then again, that's because I've seen Red Dwarf. There's a lot of that sort of thing in Red Dwarf.

Matt

____________________________
What do you call an elephant at the North Pole?
Click here to view the secret text

10-13-2004 at 12:32 PM
View Profile Send Private Message to User Send Email to User Show all user's posts Quote Reply
wackhead_uk
Level: Smiter
Avatar
Rank Points: 352
Registered: 06-21-2004
IP: Logged
icon Re: Funniest quotes you've ever heard (0)  
"You're a complete and total...there isn't a word for what you are, but whatever it is, you're a complete and total one!"

More Red Dwarf.
10-13-2004 at 01:09 PM
View Profile Send Private Message to User Send Email to User Visit Homepage Show all user's posts This architect's holds Quote Reply
Dllb
Level: Roachling
Avatar
Rank Points: 11
Registered: 10-17-2004
IP: Logged
icon Re: Funniest quotes you've ever heard (0)  
The "well, it probably is deja-vu - it sounds like it" scene from Future Echoes is very funny :)

Also "You shoot the red lights, then they go green" [idiot in Duel queue]

____________________________
Sit back... It's fright time.
10-17-2004 at 06:19 PM
View Profile Send Private Message to User Visit Homepage Show all user's posts Quote Reply
rowrow
Level: Smiter
Rank Points: 431
Registered: 08-17-2004
IP: Logged
icon Re: Funniest quotes you've ever heard (+1)  
"For something to be in the way it must be out of the way" :D
[I once heard a kid talking to his friend and he said this] :D

____________________________
B'hakhgra Du S'tra Moth'ness Ti!
10-21-2004 at 05:17 AM
View Profile Send Private Message to User Send Email to User Show all user's posts This architect's holds Quote Reply
b0rsuk
Level: Smiter
Avatar
Rank Points: 488
Registered: 11-23-2003
IP: Logged
icon Re: Funniest quotes you've ever heard (0)  
The most aggravating thing about young generation is that I no longer belong to it.
Albert Einstein

I support death sentences. When somebody commits a terible crime, he should be taught a lesson"

Britney Spears, my own translation from polish.

[Edited by b0rsuk at Local Time:10-28-2004 at 01:00 PM]

____________________________

http://www.gamasutra.com/features/20051128/adams_01.shtml
10-28-2004 at 12:59 PM
View Profile Send Private Message to User Send Email to User Show all user's posts Quote Reply
eytanz
Level: Smitemaster
Avatar
Rank Points: 2707
Registered: 02-05-2003
IP: Logged
icon Re: Funniest quotes you've ever heard (+1)  
I didn't know Britney Spears speaks Polish...

____________________________
I got my avatar back! Yay!
10-28-2004 at 08:08 PM
View Profile Send Private Message to User Show all user's posts This architect's holds Quote Reply
b0rsuk
Level: Smiter
Avatar
Rank Points: 488
Registered: 11-23-2003
IP: Logged
icon Re: Funniest quotes you've ever heard (0)  
quote:
eytanz wrote:
I didn't know Britney Spears speaks Polish...


She doesn't, but I was unable to track the quote in "proper" language. In short amount of time, and without hurting my lazyness, that is.

____________________________

http://www.gamasutra.com/features/20051128/adams_01.shtml
10-29-2004 at 09:20 AM
View Profile Send Private Message to User Send Email to User Show all user's posts Quote Reply
rowrow
Level: Smiter
Rank Points: 431
Registered: 08-17-2004
IP: Logged
icon Re: Funniest quotes you've ever heard (0)  
"How can I become rich? Maybe first I should become smart." :D

____________________________
B'hakhgra Du S'tra Moth'ness Ti!
11-03-2004 at 06:15 AM
View Profile Send Private Message to User Send Email to User Show all user's posts This architect's holds Quote Reply
b0rsuk
Level: Smiter
Avatar
Rank Points: 488
Registered: 11-23-2003
IP: Logged
icon Re: Funniest quotes you've ever heard (+1)  
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.



[Edited by b0rsuk at Local Time:03-09-2005 at 03:14 PM]

____________________________

http://www.gamasutra.com/features/20051128/adams_01.shtml
03-09-2005 at 03:12 PM
View Profile Send Private Message to User Send Email to User Show all user's posts Quote Reply
Malarame
Level: Master Delver
Avatar
Rank Points: 220
Registered: 02-04-2003
IP: Logged
icon Re: Funniest quotes you've ever heard (+1)  
A classic from Groucho Marx:

"The secret to life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

____________________________
Matt O'Leary
Webb Institute
Class of 2007

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
-Groucho Marx
03-09-2005 at 03:45 PM
View Profile Send Private Message to User Send Email to User Visit Homepage Show all user's posts Quote Reply
stigant
Level: Smitemaster
Avatar
Rank Points: 1172
Registered: 08-19-2004
IP: Logged

File: GreatWallOfProphecy.mp3 (87.1 KB)
Downloaded 28 times.
License: Other
From: Unspecified
icon Re: Funniest quotes you've ever heard (+1)  
From Futurama:

High Priest: "Great wall of prophecy! Reveal to us god's will that we may blindly obey."
Crowd: "Free us from thought and responsibility."
High Priest: "We shall read things off you!"
Crowd: "And do them."

Edit: attached the sound file.

[Edited by stigant at Local Time:03-09-2005 at 06:30 PM]

____________________________
Progress Quest Progress
03-09-2005 at 06:27 PM
View Profile Send Private Message to User Show all user's posts Quote Reply
Chalks
Level: Master Delver
Avatar
Rank Points: 267
Registered: 04-17-2005
IP: Logged
icon Re: Funniest quotes you've ever heard (0)  
Futurama:
"That was so bad, I think it gave me cancer"
(I'm going to start using that line...)

"You there! Obey the Fist!" - invader zim
"gobble gobble gobble" - gir (from invader zim)

the above two are only funny if you've seen the show Invader Zim.
04-27-2005 at 04:00 PM
View Profile Send Private Message to User Show all user's posts Quote Reply
Chalks
Level: Master Delver
Avatar
Rank Points: 267
Registered: 04-17-2005
IP: Logged
icon Re: Funniest quotes you've ever heard (0)  
quote:
<xterm> The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?

really! why not?

In math class:
quote:
Some Guy said:
On my way here, I ran over this 15 pound squirel by accident!


walking back from english class:
quote:
guy 1 said:Do you know how many hot girls there are in Hollywood?
guy 2 said:They're ALL hot girls!
guy 1 said:Well, in two years you'll be sick of 'em!

I think he's wrong...

[Edited by Chalks at Local Time:04-27-2005 at 05:25 PM: added a few quotes]

[Edited by Chalks at Local Time:04-27-2005 at 09:06 PM]
04-27-2005 at 05:25 PM
View Profile Send Private Message to User Show all user's posts Quote Reply
Chalks
Level: Master Delver
Avatar
Rank Points: 267
Registered: 04-17-2005
IP: Logged
icon Re: Funniest quotes you've ever heard (0)  
sigh. I know I'm replying to myself...but, I'm bored. and it's 4:25am.

this is by far the most amusing quote (found here) I've heard in a long time:

"There isn't enough matter to print a Googolplex on (and this fact is unlikely to change)...But who said we have to print Googolplex in decimal? If we switch to base Googolplex, you can print it simply as 10."

I SAY WE DO IT! 10.
04-29-2005 at 10:28 AM
View Profile Send Private Message to User Show all user's posts Quote Reply
Malarame
Level: Master Delver
Avatar
Rank Points: 220
Registered: 02-04-2003
IP: Logged
icon Re: Funniest quotes you've ever heard (+2)  
My friend uses this as his away message sometimes:

A Linux saleslady, Lenore,
Enjoys work, but likes the beach more.
She found a good way
To combine work and play:
She sells C shells by the seashore.

____________________________
Matt O'Leary
Webb Institute
Class of 2007

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
-Groucho Marx
05-03-2005 at 02:08 PM
View Profile Send Private Message to User Send Email to User Visit Homepage Show all user's posts Quote Reply
b0rsuk
Level: Smiter
Avatar
Rank Points: 488
Registered: 11-23-2003
IP: Logged
icon Re: Funniest quotes you've ever heard (+1)  
Otto von Bismarck once said:
quote:
"Never believe anything in politics until it has been officially denied.


Brilliant !

____________________________

http://www.gamasutra.com/features/20051128/adams_01.shtml
08-23-2005 at 05:49 PM
View Profile Send Private Message to User Send Email to User Show all user's posts Quote Reply
b0rsuk
Level: Smiter
Avatar
Rank Points: 488
Registered: 11-23-2003
IP: Logged
icon Re: Funniest quotes you've ever heard (+2)  
quote:
Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum sonatur.

- Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.

____________________________

http://www.gamasutra.com/features/20051128/adams_01.shtml
11-21-2005 at 05:27 PM
View Profile Send Private Message to User Send Email to User Show all user's posts Quote Reply
Yellow_Mage
Level: Master Delver
Avatar
Rank Points: 267
Registered: 05-19-2004
IP: Logged
icon Re: Funniest quotes you've ever heard (+2)  
quote:
Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum sonatur.


Ah! My favourite Latin quote!

Ok, here's one

quote:
Si fallatis officium, quaestor infitias eat se quicquam scire de factis vestris


-If you fail, the secretary will disavow all knowledge of your activities.

If you want a genuine Latin quote;

quote:
Timendi causa est nescire


-Ignorance is the cause of fear - Seneca.




____________________________
"Sit and daydream, and watch the changing color of the waves that break upon the idle seashore of the mind." - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow


Click here to view the secret text

11-21-2005 at 11:46 PM
View Profile Send Private Message to User Send Email to User Show all user's posts Quote Reply
Stefan
Level: Smitemaster
Avatar
Rank Points: 2117
Registered: 05-25-2004
IP: Logged
icon Re: Funniest quotes you've ever heard (0)  
Latin quotes, eh?
An old friend of mine who studied latin taught me this one (I'm not sure if it's written exactly like this, but it should be close):
quote:
Abi in malem crucem
It's basically an insult meaning 'Go crucify yourself' (Hmmm, how do you even do that? Must be pretty difficult unless you get someone to help you...). There was a story behind it as well (someone had said it to someone else after this had done something...), but I unfortunately don't remember any of that.

____________________________
0.099

[Last edited by Stefan at 11-22-2005 05:15 PM]
11-22-2005 at 05:13 PM
View Profile Send Private Message to User Show all user's posts This architect's holds Quote Reply
jamie
Level: Smiter
Avatar
Rank Points: 365
Registered: 04-15-2005
IP: Logged
icon Re: Funniest quotes you've ever heard (+4)  
"My Karma ran over your dogma." -- Unknown.

"A girl phoned me the other day and said 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home" -- Unknown.

"I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out." -- Unknown.

"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her." -- Unknown.

"For every action, there is an equal and opposite government programme." -- Unknown.

"It is easier to get forgiveness than permission." -- Unknown.

"It isn't the jeans that make your arse look fat." -- Unknown.

"Sport is not a spectator sport"

"99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name." -- Unknown.

"Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now." -- Unknown.

"I never vote. It only encourages them." -- Unknown.

"Vote for the man who promises least; he'll be the least disappointing." -- Bernard Baruch, 1960

"Don't think 'cos I understand, I care. Don't think 'cos I'm talking, we're friends" - Sneaker Pimps

"On two occasions, I have been asked [by members of Parliament], 'Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?' I am not able to rightly comprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question." -- Charles Babbage

"I love "Little Fluffy Clouds" - or sheep as they are know in Wales." -- Unknown.

"You know how dumb the average person you meet is? Well, half of them are dumber than that." -- Unknown.

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat. -- Unknown.

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation. -- Unknown.

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears. -- Unknown.

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs. -- Unknown.

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be shitting herself. -- Unknown.

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child .... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night. -- Unknown.

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks? -- Unknown.

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face. -- Unknown.

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Shit, I wasn't listening ....Self-raising?" -- Unknown.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help". -- Unknown.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. -- Unknown.

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!" -- Unknown.

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake. -- Unknown.

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it. -- Unknown.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that. -- Unknown.

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber ?". -- Unknown.

"Life is a trip. Enjoy the journey with terminal e." -- Sign in Houston Airport's Terminal E.


____________________________
#f3i2g# Disclaimer: I'm Welsh, left-handed, and stupid. #f3i2g#
11-22-2005 at 07:47 PM
View Profile Send Private Message to User Send Email to User Visit Homepage Show all user's posts Quote Reply
Watcher
Level: Smitemaster
Avatar
Rank Points: 902
Registered: 02-04-2003
IP: Logged
icon Re: Funniest quotes you've ever heard (+2)  
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." --Albert Einstein

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying." --Woody Allen

"This is the Voice of Moderation. I wouldn't go so far as to say we've actually SEIZED the radio station..." --Tagline of Obsidian Wings

"This is stupid. I now have stupid all over me." --Patrick Nielsen Hayden

Also, I'm glad you liked the Terminal E quote, Jaime. I'm still not sure whether it was a result of someone's deciding to put in a subtle message, or simple coincidence.

____________________________
Today the refrigerator, tomorrow the world!
11-22-2005 at 10:58 PM
View Profile Send Private Message to User Show all user's posts Quote Reply
Yellow_Mage
Level: Master Delver
Avatar
Rank Points: 267
Registered: 05-19-2004
IP: Logged
icon Re: Funniest quotes you've ever heard (+2)  
I haven't done Latin for years, but my friend continues doing Latin and Roman History so he shown me a few good books. I've still kept all my Latin stuff.

quote:
Rident stolidi verba latina.


-Fools laugh at the Latin language - Ovid.

Here are some others from my quote pad:

"640k should be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981

"I've got 20 years of education... I graduated the 10th grade twice." - a drunk driver.

"When I play most games I can see that it was originally conceived by artists who carefully designed its characters and environments. Then those ideas get molested beyond recognition during their voyage from concept to actual game." - penny aracde

"You'd love "A Brief History Of Time" ... Apparently it began with the Big Bang. Or it could have started half a second ago and we were all instantly existing with false memories covering our entire lives and our recent actions. I prefer the latter as its a good excuse not to go to work on Monday." - anon

"Apparently, the heads aren't the only parts of the body that DODRIO has three of."- PokeMon Sapphire : Dodrio entry

"It's ridiculous to think that video games influence people. For example, if Pac-man influenced us when we were kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, taking strange pills, while listening to monotonous electronic music." - unknown

"You know what they say about men with their hands in their pockets. They feel cocky all day." - my ol' Floor Manager, Emma.

"Bruce Lee Rocks! I loved him in Rush hour..."

"You know what, I've given this a lot of thought and I don't feel old. I still feel like I'm 15 because I've been afforded this wonderful opportunity to do music for a living." -Pat DiNizio, Smithereens

"The President has been kidnapped by ninjas. Are you a bad enough dude to rescue the President?" -Bad Dudes, NES

"Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life." - Jingo, Discworld.

"Men despise religion. They hate it and are afraid it may be true." - Blaise Pascal

"Mortal Kombat is a parody of decent gameplay."

quote:
Semper ubi sub ubi ubique


-Always wear underwear everywhere.









____________________________
"Sit and daydream, and watch the changing color of the waves that break upon the idle seashore of the mind." - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow


Click here to view the secret text

11-23-2005 at 12:30 AM
View Profile Send Private Message to User Send Email to User Show all user's posts Quote Reply
jamie
Level: Smiter
Avatar
Rank Points: 365
Registered: 04-15-2005
IP: Logged
icon Re: Funniest quotes you've ever heard (0)  
quote:

Also, I'm glad you liked the Terminal E quote, Jaime. I'm still not sure whether it was a result of someone's deciding to put in a subtle message, or simple coincidence.


Ooops, yes, I snagged that one from your signature a while ago!

____________________________
#f3i2g# Disclaimer: I'm Welsh, left-handed, and stupid. #f3i2g#
11-23-2005 at 12:47 AM
View Profile Send Private Message to User Send Email to User Visit Homepage Show all user's posts Quote Reply
stigant
Level: Smitemaster
Avatar
Rank Points: 1172
Registered: 08-19-2004
IP: Logged
icon Re: Funniest quotes you've ever heard (0)  
Got this one off of Firefly last night:

"The next time you try to stab me in the back, have the guts to do it to my face"

____________________________
Progress Quest Progress
11-23-2005 at 02:04 PM
View Profile Send Private Message to User Show all user's posts Quote Reply
jamie
Level: Smiter
Avatar
Rank Points: 365
Registered: 04-15-2005
IP: Logged
icon Re: Funniest quotes you've ever heard (+1)  
"My inferiority complex is not as good as yours."


____________________________
#f3i2g# Disclaimer: I'm Welsh, left-handed, and stupid. #f3i2g#
11-23-2005 at 04:02 PM
View Profile Send Private Message to User Send Email to User Visit Homepage Show all user's posts Quote Reply
Watcher
Level: Smitemaster
Avatar
Rank Points: 902
Registered: 02-04-2003
IP: Logged
icon Re: Funniest quotes you've ever heard (+2)  
A few more from various places.

Mahatma Gandhi, when asked what he thought of Western civilization: "That would be a good idea."

"My Marxist-Leninist dialectic brings all the boys to the yard." --Livejournal icon

"We should have just left her stuck behind the barrier."
"Now, now... we're not at the end of whatever all this crap is leading to yet... and I might still need someone to throw in front of me so I can run away, after you toss me in front of you so you can run away."
--Errant Story

____________________________
Today the refrigerator, tomorrow the world!
11-29-2005 at 09:15 PM
View Profile Send Private Message to User Show all user's posts Quote Reply
liam55
Level: Roachling
Rank Points: 8
Registered: 08-07-2016
IP: Logged
icon Re: Funniest quotes you've ever heard (0)  
Here my favorite quotes :

I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names. - Demitri Martin

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. - Anonymous

I never let my schooling interfere with my education - Anonymous

I can resist everything except temptation - Oscar Wilde

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer. - Douglas Adams

So, that all my list of ends now!!
08-08-2016 at 08:45 PM
View Profile Send Private Message to User Show all user's posts Quote Reply
Page 1 of 2
2
New Topic New Poll Post Reply
Caravel Forum : Other Boards : Anything : Funniest quotes you've ever heard
Surf To:


Forum Rules:
Can I post a new topic? No
Can I reply? No
Can I read? Yes
HTML Enabled? No
UBBC Enabled? Yes
Words Filter Enable? No

Contact Us | CaravelGames.com

Powered by: tForum tForumHacks Edition b0.98.8
Originally created by Toan Huynh (Copyright © 2000)
Enhanced by the tForumHacks team and the Caravel team.