DiMono wrote:
So for no reason I can think of, I just took a look at the monster info front page, and I've come up with a few ways to make the information more readable. I will dispense my suggestions (note, they're only suggestions) now:
Roaches: change "and repelled by keeping the sword..." to "and restrained by keeping the sword..." or "and kept at bay by keeping the sword..."
Good ideas. I like "
restrained"
better than "
kept at bay"
here.
Roach Queens: remove the comma in "every so often lay eggs, that will grow"
Agreed.
Wraithwings: the text ", unlike roaches" isn't necessary
But it doesn't really hurt, either, to make this explicit.
Evil Eyes: rewrite: "Evil Eyes are odd creatures that could only turn up in a dungeon. Despite having no discernable mouth, they still have an insatiable appetite for Beethro-meat. Their usual hunting style involves staking out likely areas until some tasty morsel enters their field of vision; then they charge. They can be killed at any time, which might lead an amateur to believe they're weaker than even the lowly roach, but Evil Eyes are experts at surrounding their prey. Only the fiercest delvers even stand a chance against these menaces."
Except for the sentence I bolded, your text is better than the original, having a smoother "
flow"
to it. But the problem is - evil eyes are no better at surrouding their prey than other monsters; your phrasing implies different movement rules. They're just often strategically placed. Perhaps:
"
but Evil Eyes often choose strategic vantage points that allow them to quickly surround their enemies"
?
Serpents: rewrite: "Serpents are long creatures that shimmy toward Beethro before finally striking. Unfortunately, they're immune to all conventional weapons, so the only way to defeat them is by using their intelligence against them."
It's a good idea not to mention the word "
brain"
in the text, since that can be confusing, but I don't think serpents are particularly intelligent or are supposed to act in that manner. Maybe say "
by using their limited intelligence against them"
? Also, you are even less direct than the original piece in describing how to kill them - I'm not sure that really matters, but if the text here contains little information, we might be forcing the newbies to go to the spoiler pages.
Living Tar: change "If broken up so it's only one tile wide or high" to "If cut too finely"
capitalize "Tar Baby" and "Tar Mother" wherever they appear, for consistency
I agree, on both counts.
Spiders: change "- they'll tend to hide in dungeons where their skin matches the floor" to "- they tend to hide in dungeons with floors the same colour as they are"
Agreed.
Goblins: change "one of the most" to "some of the most"
change ", but have recently found" to ". Unfortunately, the Goblins have recently learned" (note I include the comma at the beginning of this one)
change "especially if there's more than one goblin" to "especially in groups"
I agree
does the last line give away solutions to later levels?
I think level 14 already features the first "
serpent death by goblin"
puzzle - but yeah, I think this line should probably be removed, or at least moved to the inner page.
Brains: there's no space between "Brains" and "can't"
change "or defend. They're dispatched" to "or defend themselves; they're easily dispatched"
change "brains won't attack, because they'll spread..." to "brains don't attack because they prefer to spread..."
change "moving around his sword, avoiding obstacles and whatnot" to "moving right around his sword, and other trivial obstacles"
All good ideas.
The 'Neather: dismissed by whose father?
put "go play in the dungeons or something, can't you see I'm busy?" in quotes
change "access to other areas" to "access to the more secluded areas"
change "It's said he harbors an insane plan" to "It's said he's hatching an insane plan" (you harbor feelings and emotions, not nouns)
Again, agreed.
Overall, very good suggestions.
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